.png)
Hi Everyone. Hope you all are well.
For 6 weeks, we have been in lockdown and everybody has been missing the people they care about the most; having to stay away for everyone’s protection. Everyday, you hear on the news the same thing, more deaths, more cases, another week in isolation. Teenagers worried to death about how they are going to be graded and whether they can progress into the further education that they want. When you think back to a few months ago, it seems like an eternity has passed. However, at the same time, it only feels like yesterday that Boris made the announcement that we would have to stay inside. It just feels like time does not exist anymore.
Something that has been weird is not being at Taekwondo. I know I have mentioned this in my last post that I did, but it is true. I have never known anything like this. I miss being in the academy and having a laugh with people. I miss being in my black suit and sharing my knowledge with the students that I teach. I am in my element when I teach; something takes over and I feel like a different person. In the last 6 years that I have been teaching, I have seen so many people leave because of fears that they are not good enough. I have seen people get upset because they are not like other people. In all honesty, I was not the best student in the academy. When I was 6, I was with people who were a lot older than I was; I was probably one of the youngest. When I first joined, we only had one program that everyone trained in. Yeah, there were separate classes depending on your grade, but all ages could train in the same class and I often felt like I was heading nowhere with my training.
As an instructor, you take on some of the blame when a student cancels their membership; it is the worst feeling in the world. I never like reading that someone I teach has left and it honestly makes me choke up a little. I take things personally, anyone who has met me will know that. I never like seeing people cancel as I have experienced it. When I was a red belt, heading towards Black belt, there was 17 of us, which is a lot. That was to get our probationary black belts. 6 months later, April 2013, there was 9 of us getting our black belt. It was a big number drop and it was so noticeable, however, we got through and I felt my confidence go up. A year later, there was 3 of us. 3. 18 months before hand there was 17 of us and we had a mix of ages. 3. 6 months later, 1. Me. I was all alone. In the space of 2 years, the rowdy bunch of 17 had dwindled down to 1. I had never done a grading by myself before and it was such a scary feeling. I was going to for my probationary 2nd degree black belt and I kept thinking that I was going to fail. I was 12 and while I was not exactly the youngest person grading, I had spent 6 years grading with people and having others to keep me company. Ever since then, I had to grade by myself. It got easier the more I had to do it but was still nerve wracking to do. Over the years, I have made so many friends at Taekwondo and I lost many friends as well. I am not going to mention any names, but know that I miss you all.
Another set of people I have missed are my friends from secondary school. Again, I am not going to play the name game but you all know who you are. I miss you guys so much. The last year at school was not the easiest but I felt like I had a nice selection of people to be with and those in science (Dr Mosekari’s Physics lessons), you made me laugh so much. I thought I was ready to leave school as soon as I was accepted into college, but I miss it more than I ever thought I would. We had such a good time and our last few days were the best. I appreciate everyone so much and if that is you, I miss you. I may not miss the school itself, but I have missed the people who made 5 of the most important years of my life; my study buddies in Maths, my annoying friend in Media who tried to distract me, my best friend in Geography who made up a completely random song with me and made the lessons so enjoyable. It does not feel like a year has gone past. This time last year, I had already completed my French speaking exam. I remember that exam so clearly as if it had happened earlier today.
I feel so sorry for all those Year 11s and Year 13s who are at home, in isolation worrying about what is going to become of them. I cannot even begin to imagine what I would have been like if I were in their position. All I can say is keep your heads up high and believe in yourselves. Don't let the situation over power you; keep believing that everything is going to be okay.
Another set of people that I am missing are my Journalism class from college. I have not known you all that long but the last few months of my life, I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard and so often. I miss our debates around the table and discussing it for hours on end. I miss us working all together. I know our last project did not go as we all hoped it would, however, we all lived and made it through. I really wish we had the last 2 months that we missed because it could have been filled with a lot more laughs, swearing and debates.
Another person I have missed isn’t with us anymore and that is my grandad. I don’t talk about him often because for a long while, I was upset. In December 2018, my grandad was admitted into hospital for the first time and it was the beginning of 6 months of uncertainty. My grandad suffered from heart failure and I knew that eventually it would be time. After being in hospital, he was sent to the local nursing home where he was monitored. When he was in there for a while he was re-admitted to hospital when his condition worsened. For months it was back and forth between the home and the hospital. I didn’t have the courage to go see him. Slowly but surely, he started to get dementia. My grandad only remembered me as a little girl; he didn’t know me as the 16 year old that I was at the time and it killed me inside. I thought that he wouldn’t recognise me because in his mind, I was only 4. For months, my nan told me how he still didn’t know me as I was in the present. My whole life with him, all the family holidays, all the weekly trips to the newsagent across the road to get sweets when I was young, gone in a flash.
28th May 2019. I was at Arron’s house and we were watching Doctor Who and I got a phone call from my mum. She had taken my nan to see my grandad earlier in the day and about midday, she phoned to say that my grandad had passed. I could hear that she was crying because my nan was as well. Unfortunately, these weren't tears of sadness, they were tears of relief. My nan had spent months going to see him and feeling heartbreak because he didn't remember her either; thinking that she was one of his previous wives. I said I was fine. I had awaited this news for 6 months. Worse part was, I never said goodbye to him. I never visited. I last saw him in December 2018. I went home with Arron that afternoon because I just wanted to be at home, I wanted a hug from my mum. This news affected me slightly at school. Half of my GCSE exams were still waiting to be sat and the first day after half term, I went into school and started crying because I couldn’t take it. I was so emotional and I didn’t know what to do anymore. Every now and then, I regret not seeing him at least once. However, I know that my mum and my nan didn’t want me to remember him like that. He never saw me finish school. He never saw me start college. He never knew how I did in my GCSE results. He will never see me driving. He will never see me turn into an adult. He will never see me get married. Yesterday I was going through my old jewelry box and I saw multiple necklaces that my grandad had ordered me over the years and it made me so emotional. He saw so much potential and life ahead of me and he will never be there to see it. Grandad, I miss you so much. I am so sorry that I never saw you one last time and I promise to be the ‘shining star’ that you thought I was.
To my nan, I know you are reading, I miss our weekly car rides, debating all the issues in the world. My nan has always been there for me. 3 days a week, she used to take me to school and pick me up; looking after me when my parents were working. During lockdown, my nan has been calling and praising me for the blog and how proud she is of me. Nan, I love you. Thank you for all the years of driving me to work and I promise that when all this is over, we can have a tea and gossip about the world. When I can drive, I will be your taxi to make up for all the rides when it was the other way around.
Last person, Arron. Firstly, thank you. Thank you for staying with me during this difficult time. I know you haven’t seen me in nearly two months and that you desperately need a hug, but you have survived and stuck with our relationship. Thank you for calling me at 10pm every night just so it feels like we are together. Thank you for reading my work and your willingness to help me with my work, even if you don't enjoy English like I do.
Secondly, thank you for your constant support of me pursuing a career in the media. It’s going to be painful and long, but one day I will get there and you will be right by my side telling me how I should have been better at Maths than English. I’m joking. Thank you again and I love you forever and always. I don’t know if any of this could be possible without you.
Well that turned into a long list of mentions and thank you’s. If there is anyone you miss at the moment, message them, call them. Do anything to let them know that you are there for them.
Thank you for reading.
Daniella x